Suddenly, you’re jolted out of your satisfaction by a notification on your phone.
Your goonhitler, Precious, has died.
You know because the notification says that your goonhitler’s Pacification app subscription for its Neuralink has been refunded, and you know they wouldn’t do that unless they had to.
Your entire world shatters around you. She was your best friend, the only thing that made your h*cking life worth living. And now she’s gone. You’re going to be traumatized by this for the rest of your life.
D…doorknob…
<What?
Precious… she’s..
She’s dead…
From police brutality…
<shit. that’s fucked
<i’m sorry man.
<i had some good niggas die from the pigs too. hits hard.
<you good? you need anything?
um… yeah..
could you like..
make a rap song in honor of her? like some really poetic spoken word stuff
<yeah i can do sumn poetic, hold on
Doorknob gets up and starts rapping his soul out.
<Precious, my nigga, I ain’t know you too well
<Some niggas say you goin’ straight to hell
<Not me tho, man you know how it is
<Niggas get nosy, all up in yo biz
<You was a real nigga, tough fo’ a girl
<Slimin’ em mailmen and chewin’ up squirrels
<You a goonhitler but you ain’t no goon
<An’ if Hitler saw yo kills he’d swoon
<Rest well nigga, and just know this
<Those fuckin’ cops my GUN are gonna kiss
A tear comes to your eye. That was maybe the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard. (Outside of maybe Superman’s speech in Superman (2025).)
Thank you, Lil Doorknob. Thank you so much.
<shit, no need to thank me. jus’ sayin’ what had to be said y’know
Yes. it absolutely did. Thank you for speaking your truth.
