Your mood suddenly sours, and you slink down onto the pavement, leaning your head in your hand.
Man, spent the last of my cash on some shit I didn’t even get to drink. Now I got nothing. Dead broke.
And I’m not like you, with your grandparents to keep you fed. My fuckin’ fascist landlord’s gonna kick me out any day now. I’ve already delayed rent for a month.
Cobbert nods solemnly.
<Yeah.. pretty fucked dude.
<Actually, did you hear about the new program?
>New program?
<Yeah, like the program the government’s rolling out.
I don’t wanna hear about Blumf’s bullsh*t right now, Cobbert.
<Wait, wait! But it might help. Look.
<So do you remember when they rolled out the state mandated girlfriends three years ago?
Yeah, I fuckin’ remember alright. Poor undocumented immigrants just wanted a better life, and Drumpf forced them to choose between going back to poverty in their home country or marrying a fucking incel. It was inhuman. Nobody should have to make that choice.
Where are you going with this?
<Apparently, they’ve got a new system like that, where if you can prove without a doubt that you can’t possibly get a job, no matter how hard you try, they’ll give you a Jobcel Cerificate and they’ll pay you for the rest of your life.
Your eyes light up.
You mean… I can get paid for doing nothing?
<Yeah, as long as you can keep it certified. They test you every month.
Shit, that sounds easy as fuck! Where do I sign up?
<Well, there’s that welfare office down the road. Probably can do it there.
What do you do?
